I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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