he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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