well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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