it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
