btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Is it because I queefed?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
