I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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