Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
