You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
