my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
