I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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