Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
