my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
