she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
did you just send me my own nude
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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