btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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