He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
