I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Randomize
