Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
