i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Randomize
