and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
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