there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
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