drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
