They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
