I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
