I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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