I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
