its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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