apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
