i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
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I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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