i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
