Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
