happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
