It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
