"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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