Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
