The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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