Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Randomize