Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
