I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
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He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
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The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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