New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
