are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
