let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
oh god was she eating orange peels again
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
