So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
