No stitches, just platelets and will power
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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