remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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