Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
