You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
