someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
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I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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