His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
