he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
