I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
