Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize
