yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
