Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
