the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
