Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
But theres a keg here and me gusta
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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