I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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